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:iconthelunalily: More from TheLunaLily


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ENGLISH LANGUAGE by lombregrise

Great Words by CalleighBlack

written. by livesofbirds


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Submitted on
January 1, 2012
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786 bytes
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1,175
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86
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He was full of [broken] promise[s]
[rain checks and train wrecks]
He had a thick [suit of] skin
made by
[others'] scars
from vicious [love and] wa[regret]s
[that he can not remember]

He was [not] a man,
[just a boy] with a bright star
and his impressive, three piece
pinstripe suit
[of skin],
with double-breasted pockets
[to hold hearts that don't fit in his glove box]
and hand stitching along the lines of his brand new sleeves.
G[angst]er

He was full of broken promises,
rain checks and train wrecks.
He had a thick suit of skin,
made by others' scars
from vicious love, and war, and regrets,
that he can not remember.

He was not a man,
just a boy with a bright star,
and his impressive, dazzling
three piece pinstripe suit of skin.
I'm in pieces.
They are all completely torn.
Complete with double-breasted pockets,
to hold hearts that don't fit,
and hand stitching along
the lines of his brand new sleeves.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconxmimameidx:
Hello~

I thought this piece of poetry was interesting, so I wanted to critique it for you.

First thing's first, I loved the imagery and descriptions. Some of the bracketed letters and words gave it a nice, original touch in the end.

However, there were a few things that I didn't like. My first thought to do was to try to read the bold words without the brackets, but I soon figured out the poem wouldn't make sense if I did that. Then I kept wondering why certain letters were in brackets, especially in the line, "and his [im]pressive, dazzl[in]g..."

To me, I don't understand why there needed to be brackets in the middle of the words. It adds some sort of visual effect, but it doesn't seem to have any impact on the reader.

One line that completely confused me at first was "from vicious [love and] wa[regret]s. Even after reading and rereading it took quite a while for me to fully understand what the line was trying to say with the formatting.

Also, when I look at this, in appearance it looks overwhelming to read, with all those alternations and brackets. That might explain why made most of the words bold?

Overall, this poem has great use to imagery and phrasing, and I liked the flow and subject, but sometimes the brackets become unneeded and only confused me with your intent in the alteration.

Pretty good job! I hope this critique helps! :aww:

Liz
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconlightenedshadow:
I found it very interesting this take on the "gangster" lifestyle. And how you did it really caught my attention. I mean for the "body" of the poem you wrote exactly what other people see. The so called glorious life of a gangster. But, within it you added to the body, and wrote down what it really was. It is a very impressive piece of work. This poem has actually inspired me to try some other things with my writing, and for that I am truly thankful. People should know what a gangster is before they wish they were one
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Still....a personal favourite! :faint:
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Sweet! My experimental one holds up to the Rachel test! :D

:iconbigheartplz:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yup...and I want s'more like this'n. :D
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I can try, it was just such a completely random 3 am sort of thing! :D
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll be patient. ;)
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Good girl ;)
Reply
:iconwordeea:
Wordeea Featured By Owner May 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
love the formatting, the double meaning, the story. well done :)
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! It makes me happy that this piece doesn't come across as a jumbled up mess. haha!
I really appreciate it.

:heart:
thanks, again!!
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner May 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in my journal!


[link]
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:squee:Thank you!!!
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like how the font acts as a sort of double entendre.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No worries :)
Reply
:iconkamcalste:
kamcalste Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think this is really clever, and the imagery was solid. Great work. :heart:
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! Everyone has been so receptive to this, and I wrote it sometime past one am, so I was pretty sure when I woke up I was gonna see a bunch of "WTF?" comments. hahah!
It means a lot to get such positive and kind feedback because I'm neurotic and never know what works, especially when I'm trying something new, and it just really helps. You really help. Thank you again, Stephanie. :hug:
Reply
:iconbanshee-x:
Banshee-X Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student Writer
Uh--I LOOOVE IT!
I find your writing completely amazing babe. :)
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconaawplz: Thank you, Kayla! You went and gave me a ridiculous grin that will be plastered there for minutes and minutes. :D
Reply
:iconbanshee-x:
Banshee-X Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome love.
And I mean it too!
:D Glad I got you to smile.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That makes me smile even bigger.
:icongrin--plz:
Reply
:iconcalleighblack:
CalleighBlack Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. This is really complex and interesting. It's great.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much, Calleigh! :heart:
Reply
:iconsunshinegypsy:
sunshinegypsy Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Professional Writer
WHOA. I would LOVE to hear you read it out loud. Can you read it out loud? Maybe it's something that must be read. But I found myself trying to read it aloud. The formatting is wild and fabulous and fun and powerful. Excellent job.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No, I have tried [very] hard to read this one out loud, and I can't do it. ^ ^
What I tend to do is read it aloud and say the bracketed things silently in my head as I am going along.
I'm so pleased that you feel that way! :hug: Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Comments like yours on this poem have made me feel like I can and should take more risks in my writing. :)
Reply
:iconsunshinegypsy:
sunshinegypsy Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Professional Writer
Risks are always fun! :) I have been taking them lately, too. I read it aloud your way and I liked it.
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love the format you've used here with all the in-between thoughts and emotions. It seems to fit perfectly with the facade theory. And the story you told, well m'dear, it's quite powerful, I'd say. I'm thoroughly impressed. :heart:
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I want to hug you right now! Thank you so much. :tighthug:

:iconbigheartplz:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'd take a hug. :tighthug:
You're welcome very muchly.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconthecatalanwritter:
thecatalanwritter Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Student Writer
Good!
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :glomp:
Reply
:iconskullector:
skullector Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2012
Wow the originality of this is bursting at the seams!! really well written though it took a while for me to understand!!
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!!
Even I don't understand some of the things I write (especially if I write it at 3am after not sleeping for days ^_^) lol
Reply
:iconskullector:
skullector Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2012
hahaha looks like were a lot similar :D
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
a fellow insomniac, I presume :D
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2012  Professional Writer
Interesting for sure... :hug:
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, David! :hug:
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012  Professional Writer
:iconbigsmile1plz::iconbigsmile2plz: :iconwelcome1plz::iconwelcome2plz::iconwelcome3plz::iconwelcome4plz:
:iconbigsmile3plz::iconbigsmile4plz:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my....whoa. :faint:
Shanna, I don't know even what to say.
I'm too impressed.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D Thank youuuuu!! :tighthug:
I'm really happy that you like this, especially since I've never done anything like this before. It encourages me to try new things. :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wish for you to do it again.

:iconbegplz:
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
perhaps I will be inspired to do so :)
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very cool layout. I love what you did here. Great work!
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, Moriah! :love:
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure, dear!
Reply
:iconjanardana:
janardana Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting poem within a poem. I love the rain checks and train wrecks rhyme.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart: I'm glad you like it.
Reply
:icondottieonthemoon:
DottieOnTheMoon Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Disclaimer: I love this so much, bad language is going to make an appearance!

THIS IS A FUCKING BRILLIANT POEM! I love the double poem, the two voices rolled together - one parading at the microphones, and one a whisper of truth in the back of the crowd. And so seamlessly. Honestly, this is sheer beauty.
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll excuse the bad language. :D
I know I'm a little late in responding, but I have to tell you that it made my day when I read your comment. :heart:
My mom didn't quite understand this poem and I wish I had read your comment because I had a difficult time explaining it. You pretty much nailed it when you said it was a double poem with two voices rolled together - one parading at the microphones, and one a whisper of truth in the back of the crowd.
:hug:
Reply
:icondottieonthemoon:
DottieOnTheMoon Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, thank you!

I'm glad my comment was helpful and supportive. :heart: I understand what you mean with your mother not understanding - I regularly have to explain mine to my family. It's not the easiest thing to do.

:hug:
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome!

It's hard because YOU know what it means, but they don't and you feel like you explained everything pretty clearly in what you wrote... and it's like, "how can I make this any clearer?" :)
Reply
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