Sta.sh
He was full of [broken] promise[s]
[rain checks and train wrecks]
He had a thick [suit of] skin
made by [others'] scars
from vicious [love and] wa[regret]s
[that he can not remember]
He was [not] a man,
[just a boy] with a bright star
and his impressive, three piece
pinstripe suit [of skin],
with double-breasted pockets
[to hold hearts that don't fit in his glove box]
and hand stitching along the lines of his brand new sleeves.
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Thank you!!!
I thought this piece of poetry was interesting, so I wanted to critique it for you.
First thing's first, I loved the imagery and descriptions. Some of the bracketed letters and words gave it a nice, original touch in the end.
However, there were a few things that I didn't like. My first thought to do was to try to read the bold words without the brackets, but I soon figured out the poem wouldn't make sense if I did that. Then I kept wondering why certain letters were in brackets, especially in the line, "and his [im]pressive, dazzl[in]g..."
To me, I don't understand why there needed to be brackets in the middle of the words. It adds some sort of visual effect, but it doesn't seem to have any impact on the reader.
One line that completely confused me at first was "from vicious [love and] wa[regret]s. Even after reading and rereading it took quite a while for me to fully understand what the line was trying to say with the formatting.
Also, when I look at this, in appearance it looks overwhelming to read, with all those alternations and brackets. That might explain why made most of the words bold?
Overall, this poem has great use to imagery and phrasing, and I liked the flow and subject, but sometimes the brackets become unneeded and only confused me with your intent in the alteration.
Pretty good job! I hope this critique helps!
Liz
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