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Submitted on
January 1, 2012
File Size
786 bytes


60 (who?)
He was full of [broken] promise[s]
[rain checks and train wrecks]
He had a thick [suit of] skin
made by
[others'] scars
from vicious [love and] wa[regret]s
[that he can not remember]

He was [not] a man,
[just a boy] with a bright star
and his impressive, three piece
pinstripe suit
[of skin],
with double-breasted pockets
[to hold hearts that don't fit in his glove box]
and hand stitching along the lines of his brand new sleeves.

He was full of broken promises,
rain checks and train wrecks.
He had a thick suit of skin,
made by others' scars
from vicious love, and war, and regrets,
that he can not remember.

He was not a man,
just a boy with a bright star,
and his impressive, dazzling
three piece pinstripe suit of skin.
I'm in pieces.
They are all completely torn.
Complete with double-breasted pockets,
to hold hearts that don't fit,
and hand stitching along
the lines of his brand new sleeves.
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I thought this piece of poetry was interesting, so I wanted to critique it for you.

First thing's first, I loved the imagery and descriptions. Some of the bracketed letters and words gave it a nice, original touch in the end.

However, there were a few things that I didn't like. My first thought to do was to try to read the bold words without the brackets, but I soon figured out the poem wouldn't make sense if I did that. Then I kept wondering why certain letters were in brackets, especially in the line, "and his [im]pressive, dazzl[in]g..."

To me, I don't understand why there needed to be brackets in the middle of the words. It adds some sort of visual effect, but it doesn't seem to have any impact on the reader.

One line that completely confused me at first was "from vicious [love and] wa[regret]s. Even after reading and rereading it took quite a while for me to fully understand what the line was trying to say with the formatting.

Also, when I look at this, in appearance it looks overwhelming to read, with all those alternations and brackets. That might explain why made most of the words bold?

Overall, this poem has great use to imagery and phrasing, and I liked the flow and subject, but sometimes the brackets become unneeded and only confused me with your intent in the alteration.

Pretty good job! I hope this critique helps! :aww:

What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

I found it very interesting this take on the "gangster" lifestyle. And how you did it really caught my attention. I mean for the "body" of the poem you wrote exactly what other people see. The so called glorious life of a gangster. But, within it you added to the body, and wrote down what it really was. It is a very impressive piece of work. This poem has actually inspired me to try some other things with my writing, and for that I am truly thankful. People should know what a gangster is before they wish they were one
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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FuzzyHoser May 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Still....a personal favourite! :faint:
TheLunaLily May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Sweet! My experimental one holds up to the Rachel test! :D

FuzzyHoser May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yup...and I want s'more like this'n. :D
TheLunaLily May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I can try, it was just such a completely random 3 am sort of thing! :D
FuzzyHoser May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll be patient. ;)
TheLunaLily May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Good girl ;)
Wordeea May 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
love the formatting, the double meaning, the story. well done :)
TheLunaLily May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! It makes me happy that this piece doesn't come across as a jumbled up mess. haha!
I really appreciate it.

thanks, again!!
prettyflour May 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in my journal!

TheLunaLily May 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:squee:Thank you!!!
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